New Excerpt of "On Stand By"

[Alissa]

In my current edit my editor asked me to insert a scene that explains why my main character Sara decides to stay with her lover in Japan. This is the scene. Admittedly, this scene was difficult to write but I'm very glad that I was made to explore this part of her life.


I slumped on my bed with my head hanging off of the side, so the blood rushed to my head. I felt cold and numb staring at the ceiling. The only noise I hear is the thought of Bobby’s cold gaze as he walked away in my head. It had been a few hours since I met his wife Kaori. I had always thought Kaori was a pretty name, I hadn’t met a Kaori that I didn’t like so far. This changed things. But how could I hate her? He lied to me. I remembered Luke’s warning when he had introduced us. I wanted to call Luke and ask but I knew I would be out of place. I couldn’t tell Eve, no not yet. What would I say? I can’t cry because I don’t know why I feel this way. I thought I was in control. I thought I held all of the cards. After all I was leaving. He wasn’t going anywhere. We had broached the subject not even a few weeks ago. I could feel my cell vibrate. My hand reached for it. He was calling me again. He had been calling for the past 2 hours. I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t answer.
Thoughts of being with him make me ache. It’s always the same ache like I needed him, craved him. I concentrated on this feeling, wishing it to go away. Then there was a knock at the door.

“Yeah?” I can hear anger in my voice.

I look in the direction of the door. I had no idea who it was. If it was Eve she would have just walked in by now. There is a knock again.

Maybe it’s one of the neighbours that just moved in. I slowly get up. I feel the blood rush away from my head. I’m light headed. I open the door and I see Bobby there with flowers. He has this hopeful expression on his face. I look at the flowers again. Any blood that’s rushed from my head is back. I feel my temperature rise from deep in my belly. I slam the door in his face. He puts his foot out and keeps me from closing it.

“Sara, please! Let me explain!.” This was the first time I hear panic in his voice.

“NO!” I lean all of my weight against the door but he’s still stronger than me.

“Baby, please…” He pressed. He had opened the door open a little more.

“NO BOBBY! You don’t get to…. No…” Tears start to run hot on my face. I feel the room spin. I feel nauseous. I stepped back to find my bearings. He’s inside now. I sink to the floor and I trembled.
Bobby looked at me with pain in his eyes. He goes to pick me up. Placing the flowers down beside me.

“No, don’t touch me…” I shrank to his touch.

“Sara please.” He kneeled down beside me, I see a crease in his forehead and lines under his eyes I’ve never noticed before, it made him look worn and tired.

“Please baby.” I looked at his eyes. I saw that they were sorry. He picked me up.
I didn’t fight back. Bobby carried me back to my bed. He held me while I cried.

He whispered, “I’m sorry.” Over and over again. He kissed my hair, my tears, then eventually my lips. I felt such a strong intensity between us , it made me dizzy.

I pulled away and backed up against the wall. He came closer and intertwined his legs with mine.

“I was young, a different person.” He doesn’t look at me.

“You have a kid?” I pulled away but he woudn’t let me.

“Yes. She’s 7.” I was horrified.

“Oh my god.” The room won’t stop spinning.

“I was so young. She got pregnant. I thought I was being honourable.” His words seemed far away. I could swear that I heard regret in his voice.

“I don’t love her, Sara.” He stopped. I wanted to see through him but all I saw were tears in his eyes. He looked away and wiped them away.

Then he said it as if it would make everything ok, “I love you Sara.”

“Baby, please don’t leave me. I love you.” He pulled me closer.

The ache inside of me seemed to burst. It was like reason had all but abandoned me. The room spun out of control now. I couldn’t breath.

He said it again, “I love you, Sara.” Kissing me. His touch still made me melt.
I’m not strong enough to hold him back. I’m weak. My breath escaped me. I drown my anger in his caresses. I let myself cry while he made love to me because I realize that I don’t want to be without him.

He’s a liar. He’s a cheater but I love him.

We laid in bed staring up at the ceiling, we could hear a tv in someone’s apartment. Bobby playfully ran his fingers up and down my body as if nothing had happened.

“We can do this Sara. We can just pretend that this never happened. We can keep on having fun. You’ll see, baby.” He gathered me up. I didn’t know what to say. I lost my words. I could feel his weight bare down on me. I opened up to him like I have some many other times and pulled him closer. Then he pushed himself inside me again, slowly again and again. His will was too much for me to fight, I felt drawn in, I still yearned, not being able to escape, not being able to say no. I didn’t need to think when we were having sex. Nothing else mattered. His touch owned me. Everything else disappeared. Reason floated somewhere just outside my window. I dared not let it in.


He always said what I needed him to say to come back, to spend the night and forget about everything else other than right now. I lost control and ignored consequence. I allowed my desires, my addiction to rule me. I thought allowing myself to love, even if I couldn’t have him was good enough. We lived in the moment, avoiding conversations about his family if we could help it. Afterall, I had no delusions of staying in Japan for him, or him giving up Japan or his family for me so it seemed we were just having fun.

Fun was being out all night in Osaka, dancing until 4 in the morning then going for karaoke until the trains start. Fun was getting lost in Tokyo and discovering cool spots you hadn’t know of before. Fun was going to a bar the size a bedroom and knowing everyone there and having a amazing time. Fun was flirting with hot Japanese surfers, knowing your body language can say so much more then your simple introductory Japanese. Fun was Amazing Race night at Aaron’s place. Fun was not: knowing you loved a man who could never love you back the way you wanted him to.